smut-n-stuph asked:
firstyearfreeuse answered:
I will definitely try to. I might as well reveal why the stories I write are so infrequent. It honestly is because I feel so drained and depressed right afterwards. First, I want to apologize to everyone who follows me for promising more content when I knew I wasn’t mentally up to it. I thought I could power through personal issues and put out more stories for you guys but I just couldn’t. In short, the truth is that while I have been a dom, I’ve never actually had a girl’s heart.
I’ll explain. I enjoy BDSM, I enjoy writing stories, I enjoy playing out scenarios BUT I am still a human being. I tried writing these stories to come to terms with who I am and in the process find someone who could accept me for who I am. The fact of the matter is though that I just felt depressed and hated myself for having such thoughts, and right after any DM I got was just someone begging for me to play that part when I was in a crippling depression. I never got a person who asked why I was so infrequent with posts, or just wanted to know me. I played a role and people (pretty much only women) wanted me only for that role. Or at least that was my mindset
The truth is that I’m pretty fucked in the head in terms of self-image and in relation to a lot of people. And doing these stories only made those relationships more unidimensional. There are a lot of reasons for this that are personal and interpersonal but how I felt after every story could be summed up in this phrase “You are a fake, you are a dom object, you should kill yourself” So after every story I had to kind of draw away just to survive because it pained me to know that even though a part of me was this confident storyteller that got others off an entertained a lot of subs, another part of me felt like a complete fraud.
Now, that Tumblr is going to essentially decimate this account, I feel the need to tell my followers that I’m sorry that I didn’t post more often or keep you guys updated to my mindset. I feel like such a fraud because every story I posted felt like an attempt to grasp at some confidence that wasn’t there. I want to come back and write more stories, but I need to do it for me. So if I come back to Chyoa or another website, I’ll come back when I can write for pure enjoyment and for a myriad of reasons (childhood abuse, eviscerated romance, destroyed self-confidence etc.) I don’t feel like I can write just for the pure enjoyment of it, and everyone of my readers deserves better than that.
So, I’ll see you when I see you, and hope you keep reading.
Firstyearfreeuse.
your-cheapasian-love